Endo waits for no man
-Content warning- If you're easily offended by anything to do with toilets and poop. Then read no further....but I suggest you do, because you will all get to laugh at my expense. Endo waits for no man!
Especially not the Virgin Media man....so it made total sense that the 'Virgin Media man' showed up to install my new broadband when I was stuck on the toilet. THE IRONY, people, the irony!!
Let me just say, if you have endometriosis that has spread to your bowel and/or bladder, or you suffer from another (or multiple) chronic illness' that causes you toilet troubles, you'll know how painful and unpredictable needing to use the bathroom can be.
In my case, my endo had been flaring for a few weeks and I was really constipated and struggling to go. You'll be able to envision the horror on my face when the doorbell rang whilst I was still stuck on the toilet.
No, I thought. It can't be him already. They gave me a five hour time slot...I cannot be first on the list. I'm never first on the list for anything.
I was horrified when I opened the door. Of course, he was young, in his early twenties, not bad looking. 'Hi, Miss, Somerville. I've come to install your services today.'
"Yeah, that's fantastic." I said. "But I really need to poop and it won't happen, and my endo is flaring like a volcanic eruption." - Okay, I didn't say that. But I was thinking it. Do you have any idea how hard it was to keep a straight face, to look like I was really excited to have my new TV and broadband fitted? It was so, so hard.
It'll be alright, I thought. We've had Virgin Media before, so all the boxes and wires and what not were already installed. He would be in and out in a jiffy, and I could get back to crying on the toilet.
Yeah, that didn't happen. Installing the box downstairs took about twenty minutes. I was sitting on the couch, and my bowel decided it would be the perfect time to not be constipated anymore. I was sitting there, red faced, sweating, pretending I was really busy on my laptop, but all I was doing was sending message after message to Claire about the predicament I was in.
The Virgin guy went upstairs then, because I wanted my second Tivo box and the modem in my bedroom. I immediately regretted requesting it because he informed me that installing the modem and box upstairs meant a new wire...a new wire that required a lot of drilling through walls - a new wire that kept him in my house for another hour!!! Well, half way through that hour, I was sitting on the couch in agony and, put as politely as possible, trying not to poop my pants.
I was kicking myself for not just going whilst he was busy downstairs, because now he was in my bedroom, which ironically is right next to the bathroom, which meant he would hear and smell things he probably didn't want to. And I didn't want him too, either. I mean, that's the whole reason I was trying my best not to go in the first place.
Why! I thought. Trust my bowel to want to NOT be constipated anymore when I had a man that I didn't know in my bedroom, casually taking his damn time and whistling, when all I wanted to do was use my own bathroom.
By the time he had finished, he came downstairs and told me he was just going to make sure the line was connected and would be back in five minutes. I took my chance the moment he shut the door. Of course, even though I'd spent an hour and a half trying to stop myself from going....NOTHING WAS HAPPENING. My stomach was just contracting and I felt like I was going to keel over. And for the record, he was not gone for five minutes, more like two minutes - at least it felt that way to me.
I found myself back on the couch, and this was probably the most embarrassing and traumatic part of my whole 'Virgin Media' experience....He had to sit next to me, RIGHT NEXT TO ME, and explain how to use the box, and the remote. I had to sign documents, and he started (really slowly) going through a booklet with me...I think, chronically ill or not, we've probably all been in that position where we REALLY need to go to the toilet, and the person next to you just won't stop talking, and you have to sit there, smiling through your teeth, and in my case, thinking, PLEASE, JUST GO AWAY, whilst having the worse stomach cramps, the kind that make you bend over and wince, but I had to sit up straight and pretend I was really interested in the damn booklet. I felt my face burning and the urge to just run and go to the toilet became so, so strong, but he was still talking. This is it, i thought. I'm going to poo my pants in front of the Virgin Media guy.
Luckily for me, (and him) I managed not to embarrass myself to that extent, but if he had spent a further five minutes talking, I would probably have soiled myself and he would have the damn funniest story to tell all his Virgin Media man friends.
So, there you have it. Endometriosis waits for no one. It doesn't care where you are, who your with, who you're talking to, or if someone is in your house and you can't use your own bathroom. Of course, it's really funny now, but it wasn't at the time. HA!
On a more serious note, this is exactly why some people need to understand what chronic and invisible illness is and what it can entail. If I was in public, and there was a queue for the bathroom, I would've had to have used the disabled toilet. And not because I just desperately needed to go, but because I have a condition that makes my bowel and bladder movements painful, unpredictable and can keep me on the toilet for a long, long time. So think twice before you frown upon someone making use of the disabled toilets, because they 'don't look' sick. You really have no idea what they're experiencing.
Much love.
Stacey x
P.S I'm giving you a spoonie insight by writing the conversation I had with Claire on that day. Hopefully it'll make you laugh some more. There is swearing, so don't read on if you're offended by potty mouths 🤗😅
ME: I need to poo sooooo badly but the fucking Virgin media guy is here. I fucking hate endometriosis. I hate it! I hate it! I feel like I'm in early labour and holding a poop in really isn't helping. Especially since I've been constipated.
Claire: I'm sorry hunni 😔
Me: I need him to go so I can go to the toilet. Why does it always happen at the most inappropriate of times!
Claire: lmao. Just go! It's your house.
Me: I canttt!!! It hurts! And maybe i would if my toilet was laid out how yours is, but
He's in the bedroom!!!
Claire: oh no
Me: Unless i strategically try to push every time he turns the drill on 🤣
Claire: Put loo roll in to cushion it!
Me: But then I'll have to spray air freshener and he will know!!!🤣😂
Claire: 🤣🤣
Me: I need to write about this. NOOOO! He's coming into the living room 🤤🤤
Claire: hahaha. Poop while he is in there!
Me: I thought about that but knowing my luck he will shout that he is done when I'm mid poo!!!
Claire: hahahaha
Me, an hour later: FINALLY. That was the most horrible thing ever.
Claire: awhh love....i bet you feel ten stone lighter.
The end 😅