When chronic illness wins
I try.
I really do try NOT to let chronic illness win. However, last week, chronic illness got the better of me, and my family, and made the decision for all of us, to say goodbye to our Siberian Husky cross German Shepard, Shadow.
I'm gutted. (As much as I moaned about the stink, and his hair all over the house, and how hard he was to walk) deep down, I loved (and still do love) him to bits. He's just as crazy and clumsy as me,
so it was a perfect match.
In December of last year, we went to meet the little fella when he was 6 weeks old. The moment I saw him, I couldn't say no. He was the cutest damn puppy I'd ever seen.
<<<<< I mean, look at him. I know, right?
At the time, we knew I wasn't well, but we were unaware of how unwell I was going to become.
I suffer with widespread pain every day, but because the 'flare ups' of fibromyalgia (which means the symptoms become 100 times worse and unbearable) only came and went every other week, and only lasted a day or two, and my lupus being in remission, I thought I would be able to handle it.
My endometriosis wasn't as bad, either, because I'd recently had the coil fitted (which has made endo a lot more manageable than without the coil) and I figured with me having antiphospholipid syndrome, having a dog to walk and keep me active and keep my blood circulating, seemed like a good idea - My eldest son, Thomas, had also been wanting a dog for months' prior to Christmas, so Shadow was a big surprise to him!
I started off with really good intentions. I even signed him up to puppy training, and I was feeling really, really good about it - but then, like mental health does, it creeped up on me and I became very anxious, nervous, and worked it up so much in my mind, that the puppy training classes I was so excited about going to, became daunting, and I was dreading having to go each week. I only managed to attend four out of the eight lessons I paid for, half because of anxiety and half because I was hospitalized for four days due to a severe kidney infection. With those events one after another, it really got me down.
Back to Shadow - the first night he came home, he had me up all night, like a new-born baby, and I had to clean poop and sick from his crate and all off his paws and fur (on numerous occasions, as well as my partner getting up with him in the mornings) But, at the time, I was doing quite well with managing things. Obviously it wasn't something I wanted to do at three a.m., but it was no different than a baby having me up, so I just got on with it. Unfortunately, in the following months, the fibromyalgia became something that didn't come and go once a month and last a day, it began to flare for as long as four weeks, sometimes more, causing me agony that left me unable to even walk.
As Shadow began to grow, and became stronger, I really struggled to walk him, even just to pick the kids up from school, which is only a ten minute walk from where I live, it nearly killed me, and would cause one of my conditions to flare - and with my partner working, the only time Shadow got a good walk was when my partner had his days off, and when my lovely neighbours' would offer to take him out, to give me a helping hand. Being stuck in the house or in the garden, he began to become frustrated, as a puppy would, because he wasn't getting enough exercise. He became overly hyper and would spend his time chewing wallpaper off the walls, skirting boards, carpet...anything I didn't want chewed, he'd chew it, which in turn made me more stressed, guilty and depressed - because I knew I couldn't, and wasn't, giving him what a dog needs. He deserved a life with multiple walks, and lots of attention.
Now, the reason I've titled this post, 'when chronic illness wins' is because, if I was well, if I was feeling how I was, mentally and physically, when we invested in him, he wouldn't be going anywhere. I don't like to think I'm one of those people who fall under the 'A dogs not for Christmas, but for life' category, because we didn't let him go to a new home because we didn't want him, or because he was inconvenient. We all adored him. It literally is chronic illness that made the decision for us. We discussed it with our family and everyone agreed it was for the best, not just for me, but for him. It would be selfish and cruel of me to keep him and let him have a less deserving life because of my illnesses.
We had been talking about it for the last month, and finally decided on Friday the 9th, that he needed to be with someone who could look after him properly, and give him all their attention and take him on long walks. Not surprisingly, within an hour of putting him online, the messages and emails began to flood in. We had a lot of people interested, and I was very apprehensive...it was a very hard thing to do.
We decided to let him go to a couple who have great experience with dogs, and clearly love animals, who were willing to drive four hours just to meet him- the thought of Shadow being able to mingle with other dogs and get the attention he deserves, makes me happy, but also sad, and angry, that my illnesses have stopped us from being the owner of such a beautiful, playful, one of a kind dog, who we all love. It also pained me to see my children, especially my eldest son, so upset because of his departure. It wasn't too long ago that we lost our year old cat, Aguerro, due to a traffic collision. It's almost like going through the same pain again of loosing a pet.
However, the new owners of Shadow (Chris and Ezmee) have gladly agreed to stay in touch with us and send us pictures and updates of his progress and new life, which makes me feel a little better about the situation.
So, I guess my message is this - sometimes, doing the thing you want to do the least, gives others something they value, and deserve - not with just humans - but animals, too. And since he left us yesterday, although the house is quieter and empty when we come home, I think we've done the right thing, for Shadow's sake.
Below is a little slideshow of Shadows new home! =D
Much love,
Stacey x
